Famous singers often die by crashing in planes. There is another way –
Die between your own sheets. There’s no muss, fuss, or mess when you die because of sleep apnea. Just one last snort and you’re gone.
Cable TV reaches a new low. If only they didn’t have all that pixelization. Hang onto your jockey shorts. It’s time to get “Naked & Afraid.”
You turn on the TV. You scroll. You fly past infomercials for “Dr Pimple Popper” and “Do You Have Craggy Skin.” You pause at a Time-Life program featuring the timeless music of Hank Snow and Loretta Lynn.
Scratch, spit, lie (repeat)
There are three ways a pulmonary embolism, frequently caused by a long airplane ride, can kill you:
I got some new underwear for Christmas, and I have to tell you, it’s my new best friend. Let me tell you about it.
NOTICE: CREEPY ALERT
When people are confused by bad grammar, to whom do they turn? Those who use good grammar, that’s whom. Giants such as Mr. DeHart, my eighth grade English teacher.
Hunters can leave their bottled deer urine home. Just drive recklessly through my neighborhood. Deer are everywhere, marauding house-to-house, indiscriminately stripping foliage and bark from anything standing
Ever eat monkey brains? If, by chance, you have, maybe you’d also like to sit down before a heaping helping of suckers.
What’s the point of a job? To make money, of course, so you can retire. To take it easy. To watch reruns of “The Dukes of Hazard” on TV-Land. To be lazy. I say, why wait? Start now.
